Thanksgiving
There are so many things that happened this year. Looking back this year, I would say that I’ve been more emotional and I’ve went through the worst panic & anxiety attacks (which had happened more often than before) and I guess it was just the way the Last Year of the Decade wants to give me the middle finger before we all bid goodbye and say hello to the new year. But jokes on him, those challenges made me a better person and I can’t wait for 2020 to come.
I’m slowly learning that my life can’t always be in order and that I can’t expect that everything will go well and always in my favor. I’m always this kind of person who thinks positively — in whatever circumstances there is that crosses my path. That’s just how I operates because seriously, I have no one to rely to. For years, I experienced the best and the worst and I’ve overcome all the heartaches, problems and challenges all alone. But also understand that I’m always — always relying on God (and the previous lines are referring to a person or group of people). I know that fully trusting God in everything that happens in my life is what made me survive all these challenges and I am victorious because of Him.
But I need to take into consideration that not everything is sunshine and butterflies. Being anxious and overthinking things is not fun. Sometimes, I hate my mind. Seriously, I was only able to pass all these challenges this year solely because of trusting God and praying for peace in my heart.
So today I just want to write things that I’m very thankful for this year. Some are probably worldly things which sounds weird, because if you know me, I’m very outspoken how I know that these things that we get and experience are only temporary. But with these, and I want to believe, are just some ways how God manifests His faithfulness in my life because He always provides.
I am thankful for the lives of my parents and my family members. I am very thankful because they are all healthy. I always pray for the guidance and protection in them. I am most especially thankful for my sister’s successful medical procedure to cure her thyroid problem. She is now very healthy and all the thanksgiving in God alone. I am also thankful that God continue to protect my parents because despite their old age, they are able to do the things they love and still want to do. My dad would often complain about the pain in his knees, and I continue to pray for God’s complete healing in his life. With God’s faithfulness in his life, my dad was able to celebrate his 75th birthday.
I am thankful because my mom was able to enjoy her first overseas trip to Singapore. I’m also very thankful that I was able to pay for her airplane fare last February and she was able to visit her sister down in Zamboanga whom who lost her husband. With the work and projects that I know God provided and fully trusted on me, I was able to save money and so when this emergency happened early this year, my mother didn’t have to worry where to get the money to pay for airplane tickets.
The third thing I am very thankful for is church. Everything about it is wonderful and I can’t contain how much joyful I am when the church where I first heard the Gospel that saved me plans to build a church in my town. It all began with a simple Bible Study every Friday and I remember that there were only about less than twenty who attended. Then I was able to invite my mother and my cousin to attend this as well. My heart is overflowing with thanksgiving because church life is very important for me. And then they held their first Sunday service about a month ago. And just a few days ago, someone very important in my life joined my family and attended the service as well. My heart can’t contain how much this gesture from him means a lot to me.
Though this post is about thanksgiving, I know it is still worth mentioning all the failures and the not-so-good things that happened this year – not because I can’t forget about them. It’s because I want to remind myself that despite these things, I was able to get pass through it and I thank the Lord for His guidance. Problems are temporary — it’s how we respond, move on and learn from it is what matters.
Sadly, I never expected that there will be fall-outs in terms of relationship. I deeply value friendship — my friends are the ones who stayed and kept me sane during those times when I felt down and lonely. Sadly, even those whom I shared precious moments with eventually may go and leave me alone. I’m used to being alone – but leaving me permanently, without communication, is what hurts me most. Maybe I was just naive – sometimes my brain would play tricks on me and tell me I never matter to them to begin with. I know it’s a lie.
But it goes both ways. Sometimes the demands they asks me are taxing and tiring — and it leaves me no choice but to retreat, move back and just watch things unfold without my presence. But in my defense, I’ve provided tons of moral support and encouraging messages which they asked me for, but it turns out they will use these against me and it made me feel defeated. And betrayed. It burns me to know that they’ve taken me for granted.
So I shut up. To keep me sane, I need to stay quiet.
But I’m slowly recovering these fall outs now. Sometimes, what we just need is time. Let things pass first and process them when you are ready. I also have my shortcomings too, I know that and I am not disregarding them. But with time, I can process what happened, what went wrong and how I will respond after. And forgive myself and forgive those who’ve hurt me. And also ask for their forgiveness regardless if they will forgive me or not.
I also remember when 2019 started and when my old classmate died and I visited her wake, I felt some dread, some unexplainable fear which made me uncomfortable. And this allowed me to make a statement which I remember uttering to my friend. I told her I feel 2019 is gonna be bad, and it will not be in my favor. And weirdly enough, she told me the same thing. But I kept this ‘fear’ behind my mind and normally go with my life because thinking about this will not do me anyone, or me good. But I stay wary. Chaos lurks all the time to disrupt the order and balance. But I am praying — always praying — that I will be able to respond accordingly and learn something from it.
In addition, one of the biggest highlight for me this year is where I need to stay honest. Life always provides us with multiple options – but I operates in a way where in every question, I need to be firm and honest with my responses. Matthew 5:37 says all you need to say is simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything beyond this comes from the evil one. Whenever I need to make an important decision, I always remind myself of this verse. My response might not be favorable to either party, but at least I stay true. Personally, I hate stringing people into incomplete responses which will lead them into wondering what exactly I wanted, or what the hell is my decision.
So I want to conclude this post by telling one more thanksgiving story. 🙂
For the most part of my life, I am alone. Sometimes I do feel lonely, but I learned to be comfortable with my solitude. I don’t mind being alone at all and it’s the truth. I am flabbergasted sometimes whenever I hear from people that living and dying alone sucks. That growing old without someone by your side is a terrible life decision and I am almost convinced they boldly associate it with as a curse. Living and growing all alone, for them is sad. What’s even worse is when they would offer unsolicited stories of their relatives who stayed single for the rest of their lives and that they are perpetually sad. Hearing these stories is what is sad (lol), but it is their life, their decision, and perhaps we see what we only want to see, but behind these we actually fail to notice that they are very happy. I also often feel that it’s the anxiety of growing old alone is what speaks through these people who shared these stories (which are surprisingly are single also then).
I’m actually very OK growing old single and alone. It was never an issue with me.
See, what these people failed to see is that I am very happy with my relationship with Jesus Christ. This might sound foreign, especially if you don’t share the same faith, but it is Jesus Christ who saved me back then and gave color and meaning to my life. Deuteronomy 31:6 says “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” I rest with this knowledge that God will never leave me no matter what. And with that, I never really feel that I am alone with my battles.
Falling in love is not foreign to me. And I never look around for love. I never seek relationship. But I would be lying if I say I never prayed to God to give me His best (often called God’s Best or GB in my Christian circle). My prayer back then was only for my heart to stay content wherever and whatever the circumstance that I am in, and if it’s His desire to give me someone to be with, let it be someone who loves God more than he would love me. But if I will stay single for the rest of my life, then I would continue to praise Him and thank Him for it. Through this I enjoyed being single.
But in my case, I fell in love with the most unexpected person at the most unexpected time. He was God’s answered prayer for me. When our paths crossed for the first time this year, I have this feeling inside me which I cannot explained.
I will reserve the whole story about my special someone, prayerfully, in the future. But now, I know, it is his face that I want to see every morning that I wake up.
I’m not afraid to stay alone for the rest of my life. But hey, growing old with someone sounds really nice as well.
I know that life isn’t perfect. And just like what I mentioned before, life provides us with multiple options and it depends how we will react to the challenges we face. I am not perfect, he isn’t as well. Sometimes his decisions and mine as well would made me feel anxious, but now I am trying my very best to be better, not only for him but for myself as well. Slowly, through opening up with him why I am like this, I am able to process all the old wounds and hurt that I felt before. Through this, I am able to understand myself more and forgive myself. I am also learning to love myself more.
Actually, he’s teaching me to love myself more.
CODA
I’m slowly learning that chaos is part of my life, and it is inevitable. It will shake the comfortable order where am at in the most unexpected time. But how I respond to these is what’s important. Staying grateful to the things God continue to provide, for this life, even to those small things is what brings me back to order. Chaos are temporary but the lessons they leave are what’s permanent and it will shape you depending how you will respond. It’s up to us if we will surrender or give up and choose not to learn and grow up from the problems and challenges we are facing. But remember that tomorrow is another day filled with adventure, of the chance to smile and make other people smile, another day to make an impact to the lives of other people, to see how blue the sky and how lovely the sounds of the birds chirping. Life is a matter of perspective. From now on, and I hope and pray that I will always choose to stay strong and positive.
I can’t wait for 2020. In all these that I experienced this 2019, all I can say is Thank You, God.
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